Knight to the rescue!

The Knight once again shows he is in full knowledge of the word valor.

As the Damsel in Distress is trying to mend her emotional wounds, the Knight opens his strong but tender arms and says, "Come here".  His arms open wide and the Damsel willing moves in.  The Knight gently cocoons her.  As he instinctively pulls her closer to his firm and unwavering body he says, "It will be okay".

Life is a Puzzle (Part 3)

Ways on NOT to be a parent:

I hope this will be my only "UGLY" post. This is what I fight. But as my Aunt told me at my Dad's last wedding; "you turned out really good despite your your parents". My only response; "I DO REALLY  have issues!" ..... I can laugh at most now....oh so thankful that I have overcome most of them....

One thing I can give my parents; they taught me the way NOT to be a parent!  My mom did the best she could at the time; and My dad has come a long way. But, both have contributed to my.. "The Ways NOT to be a Parent".

I will start with my Dad, since he is the reason for the first part of my life to be so screwed up. He believes children were meant to be seen and not heard. Anyone that has had kids knows that that is far from the truth. We; my brother and I; got blamed for EVERYTHING. Even if it was for his own stupidity.  For not putting something back where HE thought it should go.... Our punishment? We would get the belt.

I remember one tyrant he was on that caused a plate of food to wind up on the wall. My Mom and my brother still argue over what was on the plate before it hit the wall. But that does not in anyway diminish the lack of self-control my father had.

I remember so many times where I was called "stupid". After awhile, a child starts to believe that. It takes years, if at all, to get over such labeling from a parent. Number ONE for what a parent should NOT do.

My parents separated many times before the "last" one. But on the last one....It was the first time I can ever remember my Dad ever telling me he loved me.

Many years later; my Dad was diagnosed with Alcoholism. On the verge of loosing his second wife, he went into rehab..... and after he was sober, I also learned what he had done to my step-siblings....With that knowledge, I have to say... the abuse my bother and I went through was nothing compared to them.... But; that too is a story not for me to tell.

I guess it was his sobriety.  He tried to PARENT me well beyond my 21st Birthday. That is one thing that I did not take lightly. How dare him try to be a parent when I was an adult! His opportunity for Parenting was well over. Since he was getting no where with me, I then felt him trying to tell me how to parent MY child. That is when I blew a gasket. He was never THERE to be a parent. He NEVER was a parent. How the hell can he tell me how it is to be done. I knew what I was feeling and there was NO way in hell I was going to let that happen to MY child.

Mom's influence:  Her influence wasn't as "In your face"... or so it was in the beginning.  Somewhere along the line I learned that if she was upset about something... I had BETTER KNOW why.  And beyond knowing WHY... I had better FIX it.... WHAT THE HELL???? I am not, and will never be a mind reader.  If she can't muster the guts enough to tell me what is going on... then I can't muster the time to deal with her pouting and the shunning of I and my family.  When it comes to me, I am pretty tough.  I can handle (ignore) it.  But when the hurt overflows onto my children; that is when this Momma lion strikes.

Recently I was in an awkward situation where we were both at a family function.  I think all and all I did well.  I have become well learned in the art of ignoring.....

But, in learning to ignore others.... you somehow, unknowingly learn to ignore you.  The suppression of feelings leads you to suppress your needs.  You learn to give up your wants, just so you don't have to deal with the misbehavior's' of others.

And people wonder why they can't figure me out.... Go figure. LOL

Analogy 101

I truly believe our learning and growing "up" never stops.  There always seem to be some issue that arises where we ask ourselves: "Where the hell did that come from?  And why the hell is it bothering me so much?"

Over the last few months I have been dealing with those moments.  Luckily I have a wonderful friend/client who came into my life at just the moment I needed her the most.... Although, at the time.... I had NO clue.  LOL  One of the first things of substance she said to me was, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.  Okay?.... WOW!  How true that statement has become.  When she said it she was referring to me, as a Massage Therapist, helping her..... We both have a strong belief in the "Everything happens for a reason"..... She may have originally come to me for HER, but she has helped me more than she will ever know......

NOW, on with my Analogy:

I have had this strong desire to play in the dirt.  Over this last year I have built a raised bed garden.  I have collected plans for garden designs to incorporate in my yard.... The mind is always on "What can I plant....How can I improve the look of my yard."

Top soil may not always be healthy enough to support the growth of plants.  The years of abuse to that soil piles up.  Years of neglect makes it devoid of what is needed for nurture.

Sometimes you have to cultivate, nurture, love or remove that soil to get to that healthy level.  It takes work.  Some soil requires little adjustment, others require more.  But!  In the end, that work pays off!  You are rewarded with the fruit of your labor.

So, test the soil!  If it needs work, make sure you put that work into it before planting.

Do I really need a diagnosis?

I have dealt with many things in my lifetime.  Not as many as some but defiantly more than others. I have never gauged life experiences on the age of the person. For me, it goes much deeper.

I came to the realization many years ago there were things, relationships in particular, in my life that needed to be changed.  I was tired and drained living with a Status Que.  I felt caught in a vicious cycle of relationships that gave me nothing but a stabbing pain in my heart.  No matter how much I tried, I was running into a brick wall.  Try as I may, I could never get any part of that wall to crumble.  

At that point in my life I had already learned that there was no way I was going to change someone else.  The only thing I could change was me.  I made it clear that there was no way I was going to deal with the crap any longer.  I put all my cards on the table.  My mom was the one that couldn't handle my cards.  And she knew I could no longer play the game.


I can say that I feel better knowing that I will no longer let myself be caught in a relationship where I constantly feel as if my heart is being ripped from my chest.  I felt that hardened, resentful, and bitter part of my being escape me.  I could finally breath.  I no longer had to make excuses to my children about how their grandmother was treating them.  I was the lioness that was protecting her cubs.  I felt stronger than I ever had.

A few months after dealing with that unhealthy relationship, I started to feel as if there was something that still wasn't quite right.  I loved the changes but I still had an unsettling feeling.  I started to feel the: So NOW what?  I know I am not who I was!  I do not feel the same feelings as before!  What am I missing?  Maybe there really was something wrong with me. 
 
I started looking for a diagnosis.  After a few months of ponder, with no clear cut answer, I brought my query to my husband.  He asked why I felt like something was wrong with me.  "I don't know really.  I just feel like something is wrong."  He said; "Maybe it's because you have never had a period in time where you weren't in some sort of confrontation with one of your parents."  That is when it hit!  Smart man that one is.  I was still carrying baggage that goes along with a life long relationship with the dreaded Status Que!
 
Why the HELL did I feel as if I were the one that needed to be diagnosed?  If I am the one that realized that the Status Que was so dysfunctional that it caused me to flee from everything they I grew up with... it has to have been because "I" am the normal one.  Right?  That change is what I needed for me to grow.  To finally put to rest my past. 

Awwwwe, but yet another learning moment.  Somethings don't come "FULL" circle until you deal with "NOT" being part of the Status Que.

Life is a Puzzle (Part 2)
Going "Home"

When I was in my teens, my Grandmother took me to her jewelery box and told me I could have anything in there I wanted. I was a modest child, I only took a necklace that had a tiger's eye heart stone. Years later, I realized what she was trying to say, but couldn't.

My Grandma had a brain aneurysm. She was told that when it broke, she would die in a matter of minutes. What she, and the doctors, did not realize; was her work on earth was not complete.

As years passed, I continued my belief that Grandma still had unfinished work. She was not the same though. She was not able to communicate like before. Still years passed, and the communication continued to decline. I finally came to a conclusion that "WE" had a learning experience there that we were not quite getting. It was my Grandmothers "work" to teach us. In her final days, her four living children did tell her that it was okay for her to go. More than 20 years after her aneurysm, she went "home". Her body just could not hold on any longer.

Remember my "back burner"? Well in composing this, I had a thought boil over. I should not have been surprised by the decline in my Grandma's verbal communication. She never said much. When we told her we loved her, we got a response much like; "yup, same to you". Honestly, I cannot remember a time when I heard her say that she loved me. But, there was never a moment that went by that I did not know it in my heart. I now know why I try very hard to hold true to the saying; "They may not remember what you said; but they will always remember the way you made them feel."

I don't know if it was my accident for sure, but I have always had a peace about death and dying. I truly believe that when our "work" here on this earth is done, we are called "home".

Truth or Fiction; it gives me peace.......

Life is a Puzzle (Part 1)

I know what your thinking: "Holly Crap"! The lady writes one little blog and now she is going into one with 'parts'. Yea, well... I was prepared to write the second blog about "Second in Line". AKA my middle child, even started writing it. Then it hit me that maybe I should explain how I ended up with my "Degree" on raising "My" children.

My first "Little" thing in life that changed it the most drastically would be an accident when I was 2 years old. I fell down a fight of stairs that lead from a second story apartment to the ground floor. I heard the story many times growing up. Never bothered me until I heard my Dad tell my Step-mom the story. The key information they withheld from me was that my heart had stopped while in route to the hospital. They were able to resuscitate me before we reached the ER. I guess you could say that was a good thing? Yep, now I can say it was.

I remember sitting at the table listening to my Dad tell that story. I remember not being able to chew or swallow the food that was in my mouth. Like many stories in my life, I contemplated on what was said, then threw it to the back burner of my mind. Only to resurface years later.

When I was 41 my stepmother died suddenly. While there were many things about the process that troubled me; reinforced the fact that my Dad and Step-mom thought ill of me; the one thing that I hold on too is: At the funeral, I being my normal self, had said that while we suffer greatly when we loose a loved one, I truly believe that when our work here on earth is done, we are called "home". My Dad then asked me if I had remembered anything about my "accident". No, I don't. I do not remember looking down on my body while they worked on me; I do not remember a tunnel with a light. But then I was 2. I can't say I remember much from when I was 2... But that one comment did take my my thoughts off the back burner; all I can say is that if you watch, and listen, you may just get the answer you were looking for.

I have learned that without question, I am here for a reason. I still ponder why, but every year I see more clearly the reason why. I was saved so I can forever change my family tree. Well, my side anyway. My brother is still a work in progress, but that is a different story. One in which I am not qualified to write.

I have sworn to myself and my offspring, not to pass on what was taught. I understand that Parents have no "owners manuals", but damn it!... There are some things that a child should not have to endure. I do not write this for anyone to feel sorry for me. For I feel I am one of the lucky ones. I have realized that I am in charge of my life, and I am the only one that can change it. That being said, there are scars that once ingrained, will take many years to buff out, if at all.

My "buffing out" process has been a long one. One in which I can say I am still working on. But work on it I will. Why? Because that is one of the reasons I am here. I feel, that until my ego shines to a brilliant; eye blinding polish; I still have work that needs to be done.

I have worked very hard over the years to shield my children from my parents. The sad part, I still have to protect them. It pains me to think that my parents have not come to grips with the fact that they are holding themselves hostage. But again, I am back to what life has taught me; only YOU can change YOU. There is NO way anyone can change someone else without their will.

I great empathy for those that have had a childhood rougher than mine. Maybe.. Just maybe.. I am here to help them through their troubles too?

Going out on a limb

I recently read an article on why someone writes. It has inspired me to dive back into the world of writing. Years ago I thought I was quite good at getting my thoughts down on paper. Even if most of it was in the form of a nasty gram directed at someone who pissed me off.

I feel a little awkward as I write now. The years as a wife, mother, and employee has somehow dulled my creative side. Not that I'm complaining. Those roles are an important part of my life. Now that the kids are for the most part self-sufficient, and I will be facing an empty nest if a few short years, I feel this is a great time to go back to something I enjoyed. Even if it is for no one else but me.

In reflecting on some of my old writings, one in particular stands out. While in Nursing school I wrote a paper on Erythroblastosis Fetalis. If I could pull off an "A" paper on red blood cells in my 20's, surely now that I am in my 40's, with many more life experiences, I could write a blog.... Right?

The one thing that I foresee as being a stumbling block is topics to write on. I will no doubt be writing mostly about ME, since that is what I know best. Also, writing about the kids and how I have grown as a person since they came into my life. I think there is no greater calling than being a Mommy. It's ironic how I started out, not having a clue, and still somehow winding up with terrific kids. Maybe it was no accident? I did not have great parents myself, so I swore that I would not do it "their" way. Was it because I was so hell bent on doing it differently? The one thing I can tell you for sure, without the writings of Dr. James Dobson, my first child would have never made it to adulthood.

OK, lets start with that. The "First Child": The "First Child" was a very strong willed child. I remember one day in particular. I was so angry, frustrated and confused on what to do with her, I had to lock myself in my room so I would not hurt that tantrum-throwing-carpet ape. I remember sitting against the door crying uncontrollably. Even after days liked that, we somehow were able to parent and guide her without breaking her spirit. She is still strong willed, which I am thankful for. No one is going to persuade her into do something she feels is moral wrong. She has her own mind and is able to think for herself. I feel we truly helped to guide her into the person God meant her to be.

The "First Child" is now 18 and one of my best friends. I never believed I could love someone so unconditionally. She has taught me patience. She has taught me how to forgive. She has taught me how to stand up for myself. She has taught me how to stand up for someone I love. She has taught me how to pick the fights worth fighting. She has taught me how to be thankful. She has taught me how to be proud. And now, her greatest feat; teaching me how to let her live her own life, without loosing the belief that mommy will always love, and be there for her.

OK, that felt good!

I am very excited to be starting this venture. I am even more excited to see how I progress.