Do I really need a diagnosis?

I have dealt with many things in my lifetime.  Not as many as some but defiantly more than others. I have never gauged life experiences on the age of the person. For me, it goes much deeper.

I came to the realization many years ago there were things, relationships in particular, in my life that needed to be changed.  I was tired and drained living with a Status Que.  I felt caught in a vicious cycle of relationships that gave me nothing but a stabbing pain in my heart.  No matter how much I tried, I was running into a brick wall.  Try as I may, I could never get any part of that wall to crumble.  

At that point in my life I had already learned that there was no way I was going to change someone else.  The only thing I could change was me.  I made it clear that there was no way I was going to deal with the crap any longer.  I put all my cards on the table.  My mom was the one that couldn't handle my cards.  And she knew I could no longer play the game.


I can say that I feel better knowing that I will no longer let myself be caught in a relationship where I constantly feel as if my heart is being ripped from my chest.  I felt that hardened, resentful, and bitter part of my being escape me.  I could finally breath.  I no longer had to make excuses to my children about how their grandmother was treating them.  I was the lioness that was protecting her cubs.  I felt stronger than I ever had.

A few months after dealing with that unhealthy relationship, I started to feel as if there was something that still wasn't quite right.  I loved the changes but I still had an unsettling feeling.  I started to feel the: So NOW what?  I know I am not who I was!  I do not feel the same feelings as before!  What am I missing?  Maybe there really was something wrong with me. 
 
I started looking for a diagnosis.  After a few months of ponder, with no clear cut answer, I brought my query to my husband.  He asked why I felt like something was wrong with me.  "I don't know really.  I just feel like something is wrong."  He said; "Maybe it's because you have never had a period in time where you weren't in some sort of confrontation with one of your parents."  That is when it hit!  Smart man that one is.  I was still carrying baggage that goes along with a life long relationship with the dreaded Status Que!
 
Why the HELL did I feel as if I were the one that needed to be diagnosed?  If I am the one that realized that the Status Que was so dysfunctional that it caused me to flee from everything they I grew up with... it has to have been because "I" am the normal one.  Right?  That change is what I needed for me to grow.  To finally put to rest my past. 

Awwwwe, but yet another learning moment.  Somethings don't come "FULL" circle until you deal with "NOT" being part of the Status Que.